It’s like she had never existed (transcript)
Ana: Coquis is my aunt. Was my aunt.
Cai: Well, I didn’t meet her and I can’t really tell much about her because I didn’t really hear her name much at home or in the family.
Memo: It is really a story that I know little about. In part because I haven’t asked and it’s a story that is not so mentioned within the family, you know?
Ana: I don’t really know much about her. But well, I met her on photographs. Ever since I can remember, in Mami and Pap’s bathroom, well not the bathroom, in their dressing room, there’s been that photo of Coquis standing in a flower field. And I think that photograph is a huge reference of photographs in the family or something like that… Because when we went to San Andrés and saw September flowers, my mother always wanted to take photographs like that one.. And also Mami liked September flowers a lot so we always brought her back some.
Cai: Outside of Pap’s bathroom there always was a photo of her. Well, there is a photo of her. So, for me Coquis always was like a little girl. Cute. That’s the memory I have about her. I don’t imagine her as an adult or a teenager or anything, just like a girl, about 3 or 4 years old... I don’t know what was her age on that photo.
Memo: I know photos. The photo that is on Mami’s little nightstand.. how is it called?
Ana: Nightstand.
Memo: Mami’s nightstand. And the picture on the nightstand, well.. there’s a plaid blanket [laughs] Well.. honestly… I think I have never paid much attention to the photo, not really, like sometime watch it in detail, you know? Like, to watch the face in there and try to see something. I have never stopped and given myself the chance to do that, to try to inquire on that image, try to imagine more by looking at the images.
Ana: Well, it’s a photo that is on Mami’s nightstand, underneath the glass, with other pictures of Mom, Andrés, Pap... It is weird because all the other photos, well, almost all of them, are like studio photographs, like passport or diploma photos, like squared or oval.. But this one of Coquis is like... a photo of Coquis, sick, in bed. She has a very weird expression, I don’t know how to describe it... Seem like that was her natural place. I think that photo is how I accepted Coquis for most of my life.. in my imagination and in the family…
Ana: And do you remember that in Mami’s nightstand where she has her photos, there is also a photo of her?
Cai: Yes, older, laying in bed, right?
Ana: Yes.
Cai: Well yes, I do remember that photo but.. but no, I preferred to stick with the other image.
Memo: She was the middle sister, right? Mom is the older, Andrés is the younger, right?
Ana: Mmm.. Since I was a kid, I think that my siblings and I always sought to identify with that, like... the older sister, the middle sister and the younger brother, and that was very similar to my mom’s family. So Cai was always Coquis and it was weird that we didn’t know much about her. I wondered if she had been somehow like Cai or something like that.
Cai: Since I am the middle sister and Coquis was also the one in the middle, in my mind it was like: “Wow, Coquis would understand me in this!” But obviously... [laughs] Maybe yes, I would have liked to meet her.
[Film projector noise fades in]
Olga: Well, I am Olga Jácome, I am.. your mother [laughs]. I am Coquis’ sister, a year and a half older than her. What can I tell you about Coquis? Well, I don’t remember when her illness started, I just remember living with her in Amecameca, seeing that she was hyperactive… We loved her very much, she hit Andrés, she yelled. [laughs] I remember that… she had a pretty face... sometime she headbutted Andrés [laughs] Sometimes we went to her room and maybe jumped in her bed... sometimes we went out on a picnic, well, to have breakfast, it was on Sundays when we went out. We went out to the yard, she walked, maybe with my mom’s help, I played on the swings. It was a continuous coexistence. Well, we didn’t eat together because she wasn’t able to sit at the table to eat. Maybe sometimes I handed my mom or the maid that helped us something to feed her. I remember that Pap liked singing to her. She didn’t go to school, she stayed at home. In the afternoon, this is what I remember, that she went out to walk in the yard while we played on the swings. Since at the beginning she was young and they made her sit next to Andrés, he was closer because he couldn’t do anything about it so he stayed there and she pulled his hair and hit him and it seemed she had fun doing that [laughs] and Andrés was very patient, and meanwhile I was playing around, I didn’t meddle in that.
[Projector noise continues on the background]
Andrés: Well, my name is Andrés. I am Coquis’s younger brother. Maybe my earliest memories are.. remembering her in a crib. The 3 siblings, we slept in the same room, each one in their own bed, Olga and me, and Coquis in a crib. She was hyperactive, hyper-restless. I remember her a lot with the overalls that my mom made her wear. I remember anything but flashbacks of us going to the countryside, she walked with someone holding her, she liked it, you could see that she enjoyed a lot the countryside, the flowers. She was sensitive to things, just as any human being... She also enjoyed people around her.. and well, we coexisted a lot when we were kids. I remember before going to kindergarten I lived with her, in the yard or in our room... I think that we quite got along. Obviously she needed help to walk, to eat, she was dependent, not self-sufficient. Even though she didn’t speak much, she laughed and had expressions like any other person, she was sensitive, she got happy when seeing you or sometimes you couldn’t understand why she was in a bad mood, you know? [laughs] But anyway, for me she was my sister, it was normal.. I considered her like... my sister and... Coquis was just part of the family.
[Film projector noise fades out]
Cai: One time, I don’t remember where I heard this.. that, well I guess that indeed, Coquis was someone different and she took up a lot of Mami’s time. Mami is... her mother. She dedicated almost all her life to take care of her. And I, in my mind, when I was told that, imagined Mami being a full time housewife and with a sick daughter that obviously needed her attention and dedication.
Andrés: A lot of times she stayed with maids. Almost every maid that coexisted with Coquis, because they dressed her up or when we went away on vacation they even took her with them to their houses. I don’t have any doubt that they took good care of her. And that they loved her very much. Lupe and other women whose names I can´t recall but they had a special affection for her. She inspired something, you know?
Chela: Also, her mother made a lot of sacrifices for her child. She said that she wanted to be fine because her daughter needed her. She loved her a lot and looked after her as well as she could. Of course a person that is dedicated to its home has other duties too, but she never, never left the child alone. Never. She talked to her, she placed things on the wall so that the child wouldn’t harm herself. I really think that.. [sobbing] Coquis and her mom, for me, they deserve a monument. Because, for real, I have never seen anyone taking care of her daughter as well as she did. And Andresín, Andresín also took care of her, held her, carried her over here and over there and Olguita, they were such good siblings. Her dad, well, he had to work and all, but he always was attentive to her.
Pap: During the first years she was normal. But as I remember, when she was 2 years old, more or less, she started to show a weird behavior. And the worst thing was that she didn’t have a normal development, because she started having what they call hyperactivity. And that turned into urges to punch. She punched her own face, and when we tried to stop her, well I think Olga always did that because she was with her all the time, I was not because of my work, I had to go to work every day. But some time I witnessed how she had to be grabbed and if Olga dropped her guard and managed to still grab her, she started headbutting [laughs] and I think some time she even hit Olga. She did have her calm moments when you could approach her, but being careful. For example, I visited her on her bedroom and I approached her just to caress her and sometimes I sang to her. And it looked like she understood and enjoyed the song. And sometimes she would laugh at the end, as if she was really paying attention to me.
When she was at the psychiatric hospital of ISSSTE, because I worked there and the doctor at ISSSTE that Olga took her to, recommended to take her to the specialized hospital. And my wife, poor thing, she had to go by herself many times to see the doctor. There, the doctor that saw her, I don’t know how many of them or which one, Olga had to leave her, they asked her to leave the child to be examined and tested for 15 days, 2 weeks. Until finally, we didn’t see any improvement and she kept punching herself, sometimes Olga arrived and I think I also went there some time and I saw her face bruised and swelled and I got upset and said “We are going to take her home” and I went to see the director and asked him for authorization to take the sick girl home, because I didn’t see any improvement but the opposite, more punches. First he refused, the doctor... Let me tell you that we had a strong disagreement, but he finally gave in and I brought her back.
Sometime, one of the doctors had told us, they were not form the specialty hospital, we hadn’t take her there yet, it was her ISSSTE primary care doctor, they said that it was hard to give her any treatment in order to cure her, mental issues are very hard. I think that was when she was about 10 or 12 years old, because he said “These people, like your daughter, die around 20 or 18 years old.” But unfortunately, for Olga too, because of how much she suffered with the care of this child, it wasn’t 18, they were 10 years more!
Well, happily, you can consider yourself fortunate that you eventually forget family problems, specially this one, about the ill. My poor Coquis, she didn’t have a chance in this world. She was not happy at any time. And neither were we. [laughs]
[Film projector noise fades in]
Pap: [Singing with projector noise in the background fading out]
Beautiful doll, of golden hair
of pearly teeth, of ruby lips
Tell me if you love me like I love you
If you remember me like I remember you
[music starts]
Beautiful doll, of golden hair
of pearly teeth, of ruby lips
Tell me if you love me like I adore you
If you remember me like I remember you
[music]
Sometimes I hear a divine echo
that wrapped in the breeze seems to say
Yes, I love you very much
very very much
As much as then
Always, until I die.
[music]
Sometimes I hear a divine echo
that wrapped in the breeze seems to say
Yes, I love you very much
very very much
As much as then
Always, until I die.
[music stops]
Credits:
It’s like she had never existed
Ana García, 2018
Archive and testimonies: Jácome Guth family, García Jácome family, Chávez Guth family, Graciela Cardoso
Project funded by the National Fund for Arts and Culture FONCA